Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.
This Web site is designed for individuals who have had an abortion(s) and who still have pain and guilt whenever the memory comes to mind OR tries to avoid the thoughts all together, resulting in frustration and more guilt and shame.
I want to share my story to give you an idea where I'm coming from so that you know that I know exactly what you have been going through. I was very active sexually as a teenager and young adult. During a three year span I had eight abortions. I used abortions as a means of birth control; after all, it was free at the clinic! These were done during the late 70's. However, I did have two more and a miscarriage in the mid 80's. And during that time I was a Christian! Of course I can justify why I had to make these choices. I can put the blame on those around me or on my situation. I have done that for years, but when I stopped doing that, that was the first step to my healing.
The first thing that I had to come to grips with is that I made the decisions and to take responsibility for those decisions. I knew it was wrong to have those abortions but that was the only thing I knew to do at the time. I was sad about having them but nothing compared to when I became a Christian. The guilt and shame intensified. And that confused me because I thought coming to Christ was freeing, but I found myself in more bondage and pain. My mind would wonder thinking how old these kids would be and if I'd have any grandchildren. These thoughts not only affected me, but all my relationships as well. I felt like I had nothing to offer anyone so all my relationships were destine to doom. I lived as a "victim" who was full of self-pity, self-hatred, guilt and shame. How can anyone have a solid sound relationship with all that going on inside? It even affected how I responded to children or to young families with young children. Some of you know exactly what I mean without me having to go into details.
We cannot do anything about changing the past. The past is the past. But we can do something about where we are right now. And that's what I want to bring you to. This information is based on the Word of God and it's the only place you'll find what you are looking for, restoration, peace, stability, and a sound mind. Hey, I know many drugs that can give an illusion that we're okay, but when the drug would wear off, we are right back where we started. I know that some of you have turned to alcohol. But we all know that isn't the answer. But I found the answer. And if I can be healed in my heart to where those thoughts and remembrances don't burden me or fill me with guilt, then you can be free too. See, we aren't free from what happened, that is part of our memory, but we are free from the pain of what happened! This is what it means when we are free - we are free from the sin.
I now help others who are in the middle of their crisis and pain without ‘feeling’ the pain of my own past. I can be compassionate to others without falling apart myself. I am equipped now to help others without the emotion that comes out in memory of my own experiences. See God doesn’t necessarily remove the memory but He does remove the pain. It’s the pain that is keeping us in torment. Some of you have even developed physical illnesses, not even knowing they are connected. But they are. What a man thinks, so is he. Whatever has been going on in our mind WILL eventually manifest in our flesh. It's medically proven and personally I have seen this to be the case.
I want to get right down to the truth. There are 3 principles.
- Recognize - acknowledge where you are in your heart right now.
- Responsibility - whatever happened in the past, today, begin taking responsibility for your life.
- Repent - Confess to God why you are feeling guilty.
I need to go into each step thoroughly to help you understand what they mean.
The first step is to Recognize. Before anyone can be healed within, you have to admit where we are. We need to recognize that abortion was not the right answer to our problem, that it is sin. Don't be afraid to admit this. The Bible says that "The truth shall make you free" (John 8:32) We have to admit that we had the abortion and not be afraid to speak the truth. I believe many of you reading this do acknowledge this in your heart but it has sat there and sat there causing you pain and grief. But there is HOPE for you.
Second step is to take Responsibility. We need to get back our lives and begin taking responsibility for all our actions. We need to stop blaming others or our circumstances for our choices. Simply accept the truth that you made the decision and that is that. Those who are alcoholics need to acknowledge they have a problem before they can get helped. It's the same with abortions. It could have been the spouse or boyfriend that made us feel like the abortion was the only choice. It could have been a parent or guardian. It could have been a nurse at the school. It could have just been your own fear of how you would take care of a child. It could be ignorance, like I had, to use the abortions as a means of birth control. I had to stop blaming the people who told me abortion was okay because the baby wasn't real yet. I simply stopped all that blaming and took the responsibility upon myself for those decisions. But it doesn’t stop there. I know this one is a hard one to grasp, but keep on reading.
The third step is to Repent. I’ll bet many of you have been so sorry all your life. Acknowledge the sin before God and confess it to Him. Receive His forgiveness and forgive yourself. (I believe this is the place where many can't get past because we can't forgive ourselves or even think we should be forgiven for the things we did - this is what I'll be covering in detail. I believe that you have already done steps 1 and 2 to some degree, now it's time to get past all that and move into a new phase in your life. I understand that you may have been grieving for that child (or children in many cases) for so many years. You have difficulty parenting the children you do have because of your guilt and shame. It's time to be healed. It's time to take back your life. It's time to move on. It's time to stop grieving. It's time to get out of your grave clothes and walk in the land of the living. If you are ready for this, then continue.
First and foremost is the acknowledging your need for a Savior. Because dear one, we cannot save ourselves from anything. So first things first. To confess Jesus as Lord and receive Him as your Savior. To acknowledge that only through Him will you be healed in your heart and mind. So if you have not received Jesus, simply speak to God now saying, "Father in Heaven, I want Jesus Christ to be my personal savior. I recognize that I am a sinner and in need of a savior. I believe He died on the cross to cleanse me from all my sins, even abortion. I repent right now and accept His free gift of forgiveness and salvation and eternal life." (You can also read more on salvation by clicking here.)
The Bible tells us that Jesus is the healer of a broken heart. So let's start at the beginning, which is a pretty good place to start. He receives anyone who calls upon Him, no matter WHAT we have done. I'm speaking from experience because if there was anyone who lived a "wild" life, it was me. God is the only one who can heal. So be sure to start by asking Jesus into your heart. And as the prayer says, forgiveness for ALL your sins, even those you think shouldn't be forgiven.
The second thing is to allow God to love you. This is where everyone has a problem. I have known many Christian women who had abortions early in life but are still tormented by those thoughts and other past regrets. But it all boils down to not receiving the Love of God personally. We think, "How can God love me, look what I've done?" But the truth is, He does. This acknowledgment is very important for your restoration and healing to occur. God's love is unconditional. And let me set the record straight, this is NOT the unpardonable sin. The unpardonable sin is to reject Christ as Savior. I know that my past and my relationship with my earthly father (or men for that matter) were not very good. As a matter of fact, this is my fourth marriage and I can't count on my feet and hands all the men I lived with before, in between and after each marriage. I was seeking Love, but I wasn't getting the right kind of Love. What a mess my life was! In my case, I had been a Christian for 18 years before I truly received the Love of God unconditionally for myself. That’s when my heart and life began changing.
The Bible says that perfect love casts out all fear because fear has torment (I John 4:16-18). If we are sad all the time, in pain about our memories, if we are fearful, if we have doubts and worries about our future, then we are not receiving His love. If you are not receiving the love of God you are probably in fear, self-hatred, self-rejection, and always feeling guilty and condemned about something. You may think that you don’t deserve to be happy because of what you have done. You may even suffer from stress, anxiety, phobias and panic attacks as I did for 30 years. I heard a doctor say something that I believe pertains to us. "If my mental patients knew they were forgiven, they would walk out of this hospital within a week healed." I believe this is true for us too. We have a hard time forgiving ourselves let alone receiving forgiveness from God. We think we have to carry that pain as "penitence" but to tell you the truth, you are trying pay for something you can never repay! When we do this we are putting ourself on the cross saying that Jesus wasn't enough. Remember, that is what Jesus did so you won't have to.
To know God's love will help you forgive yourself. See while we were yet sinners Christ died for us because of the Love of God toward us. "We love Him because He first loved us." (I John 4:19) We cannot even love God correctly without His love in us first. The problem is not with God the problem is with us believing He loves us and has a good plan for our lives NO MATTER what our choices were. The problem is us not receiving that love. When we receive that kind of love, nothing is impossible. We begin to love ourselves properly, WITHOUT condition. See, our love is human love, it is full of conditions. There are flaws and ultimatums in our love with ourselves and with others. Sometimes we think we have to "do" something to be loved. But with God, HE IS LOVE, He cannot do anything else, nor are we to do anything else but receive it. (I John 4:16) He loves you RIGHT now even with all the past mistakes. He saw you do them, He was right there watching. Nothing was hid from Him. Yet He loves you. Yet He wants to heal your heart. Why? Because you are His daughter. The children that were conceived are with Him right now. He beholds their face every day. He wants you to join them someday in Heaven. He wants you to look up toward the heavens not down to the ground. By allowing the truth to penetrate your heart, and recognize the things that you have done point blank, will bring healing! It’s "knowing" the truth, which sets us free. Don’t be afraid to see the junk in your life. Once you see it, then it’s God’s job to clean it out and heal you!
The third thing is to receive forgiveness from God and forgive yourself. Of course you and I both know that this one is very hard. Until you begin receiving the Love of God for yourself, it will be literally impossible to forgive yourself. So how do we do this? By confessing your sin before Him. This is an example of how God began restoring me. I prayed, "Lord I had many abortions. Each one was a child Lord. I admit my sin and I thank you for forgiving me of my sins. God, you said in I John 1:9 that if I confess my sins You are faithful and just to forgive me of all my sins and to cleanse me from all unrighteousness. By faith I receive the forgiveness for the abortions. In Jesus name. Amen."
So now that He knows I mean business, He wants to clean up everything in my heart and help me forgive anyone and everyone that was involved in these decisions. Because, from the abortions we have had, we take on other sins. For example because of the abortions, we may have became fearful, angry, hopeless, helpless, uncertain, unstable, hurt, painful, depressed, suicidal, addicted to drugs or alcohol, bitter, resentful, man hater, self-hatred, self-rejection, abandoned, offended easily, ashamed, embarrassed, jealous and envy, condemned, liar, distressed, to name a few. These are the "sins" that you retained, they have to be confessed. Not just the abortion, but all the "junk" that goes along with it. It’s these sins that are keeping you from being set free in your mind and allowing you to receive blessings from God. See the "abortion" is a result of a sinful thought. So even though we confess we had an abortion, we also need to see what the roots were behind that decision. Because if they aren't dealt with they will remain and continue to torment you in other areas of your life.
The Bible says in Isaiah 59:1-2 and Jeremiah 5:25 that it's our sins and iniquities that prevent good things from happening to us. These things that you just named need to be confessed as well.
So take your "rap sheet" to the Lord and confess these sins to Him. Thank Him for forgiving you of these sins and believe that He WILL wash you clean. God never goes against His Word, He said that IF you confess your sins, HE will cleanse you from them. Our job is to confess and His job is to cleanse and restore us. Let's take Him at His Word. Let’s not make it more complicated than it really is.
Let me explain what is happening here. By identifying YOUR SINS that you became because of your past you are now at the brink of a breakthrough. See when you receive forgiveness for those sins they are removed once and for all from your life. You are FREE from these sins. Jesus is the only one who can cover our sins. By His death on the cross, He carried them all for us so we won't have to anymore. If this is true in your life, then what we confessed is no longer there. Once we confessed these things, we are MADE free. Now we can truly forgive ourselves because there is nothing left to keep us from doing so. It's like we never committed the action of sin in the first place!
The fourth thing is to forgive anyone that has hurt you. In the case of the abortion(s) we need to forgive the father of the child and anyone else that was involved in the decisions you made. This is not always easy, but is required for you to find the peace you need. The Bible says that "If you don’t forgive your brother (people who hurt you) then I (God) won’t forgive you either" (Matthew 6:14). We have to first reconcile to our brother before coming to God. That is why our prayers aren’t being heard. There is too much unforgiveness toward other people and it hinders our prayers to God.
So, how do we forgive someone we can’t forgive? If you follow these steps, you will find out. Get out a piece of paper and draw a line down the center of it making two columns. Place the name of the individual at the top of the page. Begin writing down things on the left column they did that hurt you. This may take some time, but that’s okay. Ask God to help you. Don’t be afraid of the emotional pain, it’s all part of the healing process. Then on the right column, write down things YOU became because of that person. For example, you may have become fearful, angry, bitter, resentful, ashamed, etc. It may be some of the same sins you confessed earlier. Sins are piled upon sins, that’s why we are so sick, emotionally and physically. The sins you just recognized are the sins you have taken on from that person. John 20:23 says that "Whose soever sins ye remit shall be remitted unto them, and whose soever sins ye remiss, shall be remissed." What it’s saying is that when we don’t forgive the person from our heart immediately their sins jump on us. Now we are carrying not only our own junk, but also all the other person’s too! How heavy that becomes in our spirit! No wonder we are so sick and tired. We are carrying stuff that our bodies weren’t meant to carry. Jesus was the only one who was meant to carry these sins...
Once you have identified these sins of yours, 1 John 1:9 them! Yes, take them to God in confession and thank God for forgiving you - that is how you receive forgiveness for them. This will cause God to remove them from your life, allowing you the ability to forgive the person needing forgiveness. You are now free to forgive yourself.
Another area is in the area of accusations. We have inadvertently blamed God for not intervening in the situation, whether it’s having the abortion or someone hurting us. We have secretly doubted Him, this is what is keeping us from our restoration and healing. We have to restore our relationship with God in order for the rest to fall into place. After all, He's the blessing giver, He's the restorer, and if we have a breach with Him, how can we be healed? How can we receive anything from someone we don’t trust, or have been disappointed with, or are mad at?
The process of forgiving yourself is not a long process if you have the pieces. We have a hard time forgiving ourselves because of Guilt and Condemnation. Receive forgiveness for yourself once and for all and let GOD do the healing and watch Him move in your life. As God began healing me, He also showed me that I never grieved over these children. So one day, I did. Along with that grieving I named each one. Once I began seeing them as people, that's when healing really set in my heart. For so long, they were just "them" or "its" or "abortions". I never placed a name or even a face. I have now. I put all their names in my Bible. They are alive and well, and I am celebrating the fact that I had a part in bringing them into this world, if not for this life but for the life after. A huge healing took place in my heart.
This is how the Lord helped me to heal. Remember, each of us are different and on different walks. I’ve shared how He helped me. He will do the same for you in a personal way that's just for you. But I do know that if you can name your children, you have put a face to them, you are on the verge of your breakthrough. If it's very painful and you just can't face it, then go back to the studies above to receive your restoration before going on.
I would like to also talk about the enemy. As we take responsibility for our actions, I also had to realize that there was a spirit at work as well. It was the spirit of fear and the spirit of death. I had to also confess that I allowed the spirit of fear to manipulate me in making the decisions to have abortions. As I thought about this, I realized that most of the decisions were made out of fear - fear of not being able to take care of the child, fear of loosing my freedom, fear of a birth defect because of all the drugs I've taken, fear of what people would say about me, and the list goes on. So my decisions were made out of fear. And the spirit of death is present any time death is involved and not dealt with in a godly manner. For example: Fear came first then the spirit of death comes in to cause me to get the abortion. Then other times we can be with a loved one that just passed on, there is a spirit of death there too. And if our hearts aren't processing that death properly, that spirit of death can play havoc on our lives. So in order to get past this, I prayed this prayer. "Dear Heavenly Father, I have taken responsibility for my actions, but I also recognized that I was under the influence of fear. I confess that I submitted to it and repent for having had fear. I cast out that spirit of fear now and will no longer bow down to it. I also recognize that the spirit of death took root in my life. I ask you to forgive me for entertaining that spirit and cast it out in Jesus name. Thank you for filling me with your love and forgiveness. I realize now that fear killed my children. That is the plain fact, and that you have forgiven me for being ignorant in fearful. Thank you for forgiving me and loving me even in the midst of this. In Jesus name, Amen."
After I exposed the enemy and prayed that prayer, more healing too place in my heart. Fear was no longer preventing me from seeing truth, and death was no where to be found tormenting me.
What are the results of doing all this? Well, my life with my husband has completely transformed. Where there wasn’t much intimacy, we are now very intimate. Where I had problems with relating to babies, those thoughts and feelings are no longer there. Where I was jealous of young families with children, these thoughts and feelings are no longer there. I’m FREE from the pain of those memories. I can speak of the abortions without gripping pain in my chest. I can now help others, like you, who need to be set free. I can see others and have relationship with others without my past hurts causing my response. What I mean is that for example: When I saw a family with children, I wouldn't be very friendly to them because my jealousy was manifesting. When I started to have a relationship with anyone, I was always full of suspicion. These responses are from what was still in my heart that hadn't been purged yet that related to these abortions (or sins that haven't been dealt with in general).
Look at my life! I had numerous abortions. I’ve had almost every sexual disease under the sun. I lived with men after men. I had been married four times. I gave my son up at age 2 1/2 to be raised by his father. I lied and cheated. I had a fowl mouth that only spoke cursing. I can go on and on, but I think you get the picture. I’m someone who doesn’t thing she should ever be blessed with anything. Yet I am. I am happier than I could have ever dreamed possible. I have a wonderful husband who loves me. I have a beautiful home on a plot of land in a retreat setting besides a beautiful rushing river. I was given a wonderful job (of which now I'm retired) and great friends. I have a ministry God has entrusted to me to help others, like you. I write and produce musicals and plays. I sing and have opportunities to put together concerts and community outreach events. I'm helping establish other ministers in their ministry. God has given me a desire to help teenagers, not to mention care for small children. My son and I are great friends; he’s an adult now with children of his own. These are the blessings God has given to me IN SPITE of my decisions that I made in my life. I have peace in my heart and mind. There is no pain left in me. It’s the PAIN in us that prevents us from moving on. I won’t ever forget that I had 10 abortions. I won’t ever forget the many men I lived with. I won’t ever forget the problems I caused my family. But I also won’t forget how much GOD loves me. It was coming to the acknowledgment of His love and receiving His love along with forgiving myself and others that has afforded me all these blessings. It’s not that I do everything right, I don’t, but it’s that I confessed my heart to God and let Him heal and set me free.
I find that every area of a person's life have the same foundational needs. One of the main areas is with fear. Fear is prevalent in women who have had abortions. Fear of people finding out, fear of losing a child or causing deformation in the other children, fear that we are paying for that mistake, fear of God not loving us, fear, fear, fear. Fear is addressed throughout the teachings as it plays in every part of our lives.
Be sure to access the Blocks teaching. A person who had experienced this type of trauma will no doubt develop walls. They have to be removed for complete restoration.
Prayer for you:
"Dear Heavenly Father. Standing with me is this dear loved one who has accessed this teaching because of their personal decisions for having abortion(s) or for someone else going through pain and suffering because of abortion(s). You know their situation. You know when it happened and who was involved. Yet you still love them. Let them get a revelation on how deep your love really is. There is nothing they can do that will separate them from your love. As they face each area discussed, I pray you give them mercy and grace to deal with them accordingly. I ask you to fill them with your unconditional love and allow them to receive it as well. Help them face their sins and confess them and "receive" completely forgiveness for them. They are no longer to carry this weight any longer. Yes, what they did was wrong and they know it, but you forgave it already. Help them forgive and love themselves. Spirit of fear, go in Jesus name. Spirit of death, go, in Jesus name. You have played havoc in their lives for too long and they are no longer going to allow you to use them as your puppet. They fall out of agreement with everything you stand for. You are no longer welcome here, so go. Father I ask you to flood them with your presence and love and forgiveness. Release them from all guilt and shame and mend their broken heart. Help them forgive all those involved, and confess any sin of blame they have against you too. Thank you for loving them Lord and helping them find their peace. Because you know Lord where I was and where I am now and if it wasn't for what I'm teaching these individuals I wouldn't be free. You are no respecter of persons so what You have done for me, you will do for them. Thank you Father, in Jesus name, Amen."
This is a hard topic because so many factors are involved. But if you take this teaching and prayer to the Lord, you will find reprieve and ultimate healing.
If you want personal ministry in the area of abortion recovery, please contact the LAM office at (530) 620-2712 or write to LAM, P.O. Box 165, Mt. Aukum, CA 95656.
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